Manchester United

More Dutch than Holland itself. Talks strictly sticcatto two word sentences. We defend, get passes, score goals. Chews his own face

Fantastic goalkeeper who has been around for donkeys. Occasionally forgets he’s good and instead turns into a donkey. He can’t kick a ball for shit - good job he can use his hands.

There is no other way to describe ‘The Pitbull’, he just runs and runs and runs - even when he needs to stay still. Hasn’t quite shown why we needed him but A* for effort.

The main cheerleader and chief empowerment officer. Can be seen high fiving and fist bumping. Won a World Cup, talks about it endlessly.

Classy. Calm and suave Frenchman who always puts a shift in. Makes the hard things look simple. Sometimes turns up with a note from his mum so he can’t play. Lost a World Cup.

Gobby Londoner who occasionally resembles a much better Brazilian footballer who played in the same position for real Madrid (Roberto Carlos). Was fat and lazy but worked hard, and now he looks fabulous.

Probably looking for a new club, doesn’t play how new manager wants but boy can he tackle a ball.

Captained England at the World Cup even though his club wanted nothing to do with him. He’s like an enigma wrapped inside a side of beef. Very good with his head, but also quite stupid - an enigma!

Always gets involved, works hard, plays dirty. Plays teeth first.

Midfielder who was once told he was a striker. Big, sloppy but with the enthusiasm and confidence of someone much better - the classic underdog.

Seems to always know where to be and can eek out games through a combination of bad sportsmanship and good acting.

The work horse. Tall and always keeps it up… The ball ‘up’ the oppositions side of the pitch that is. Played for a lot of shit teams - possibly including us.

Can score goals out of thin air. A real live Mancunian - wants to save the planet. Once missed a penalty for England and became the most abused human on Twitter.

Standard cookie cutter Brazilian footballer. Gives tricks, kicks balls and has dubious style. Has a face only a mother could love - always looks like he’s been told his dog died.

The bright light ahead - a young prodigy who we all put too much pressure on to carry our hopes and dreams. Has a habit of constantly blaming other people when he messes up. Has footballs widest mouth - sort of looks a bit like Wallace from Wallce and Gromit.